Fear to Loathing and Back Again

Fear to Loathing and Back Again

Have you ever felt like a tin roof? Every drop of rain echoes with a pang of resonating, unsettling emotion. Snow piles on you to further freeze what was already cold. The sun shines only to burn.

How do you put on the light to shine through the cold, gray shadow? The density can weigh heavy on both the heart and soul and drag you down into a deeper level of quicksand. How far do we let it take us before we open our eyes, move passed the fear, and grasp the branch in front of our face?

Running in circles, my feet ache. Have I thought about stopping running? Of course. Have I done it? Those who know me should know the answer is no. I want to stop the merry go round, but how?

Fear.

The biggest bitch in my life. Even though I can acknowledge the obstacle it still remains an obstacle. where do I find the tnt to blow a hole in this oversized, been here for far too long wall?

Fear.

Fuck you fear!

Pieces

Stranded. The heart fickle and having a constant want. Fall down and slip away to be haphazardly strung back together. This is the one thing duct tape couldn’t fix. The isolation is cold, but is it really there. Feeling the puzzle disbanding around and the pieces fly over my head. Loneliness is the emptiest feeling, and the most demeaning. Questioning the validity of it all, what’s the worth? Is everything meant to crumble?

It’s hard to feel, especially if you feel deeply. That combined with the depression is a recipe for destruction that I hope I have the appetite for. If not it will roll me over. I love pancakes, but I don’t want to be one. Life is rich with reward and positive energy, but can one exist without the other?

Negative feelings can be like Storm Troopers from Star Wars. When you least expect them there they are, and unless you have a Wookie handy you might be screwed.

This too shall pass!

While it is difficult to go through everyday not knowing what it will be it is true, in my experience, that what doesn’t kill indeed makes you stronger. Even if you don’t notice. Strength can be deceptively quiet when that person is aware of said strength. You don’t have to show off or any other such bullshit, that’s is called assholism. The ones with real strength are the ones who don’t need to convince you that they have it, you know by the way they carry themselves that they have it. Every little step and misstep is a chance to gain wisdom of yourself and how you handle things.

See what I mean about Bipolar?

This post actually started because I was depressed. Half way through the post I was paying attention to what I was writing and something changed. Everything I wrote I wrote for me and I guess I finally woke up to it.

Talking yourself out of the spiral is awe inspiring because you go from feeling like you can’t do shit to helping yourself. The brain is a fantastic, confusing thing. You can barely live with it, but can’t rip it out.

Confused Mood

Woke up to the nightmare that is my life. I am trapped in a tiny cage and feel suffocated by the negativity that does not seem to leave me alone, but I continue to fight. I look into the face of all the things that try to drag me down and try to turn them into something helpful or at least brush them off, but mostly to no avail. I keep looking at the things in my life that allow me to find my happiness to keep me going, but sometimes I get rather overwhelmed by daily things. Being misunderstood, being looked at with false opinions or not looked at ever. All of this kind of thinking leads me down a path to questions that I would like to put forth.

How will we ever get together as people on a macroscopic scale when we cannot do it on a microscopic scale? Meaning, if we cannot give and get respect on a more personal everyday level, how do we expect to bring a world of difference together?

Religion, race, age, sex, and sexual orientation. A means to segregation. In my life I try to have love for everybody, but it is constantly made apparent that people do not care. I am too white for black people and I am too black for white people. I have no religion, I am spiritual. I am too old for the young crowd to the point where I have been called the creepy old guy and I act too young for the older crowd. Gay men love me too much and it seems lesbians do not like me.

So where is my crowd, my people? If I do not fit into anywhere, what does that make me?

Somebody actually called me a rare breed, but I do not know how to take that. In one sense it sounded like I was in a league of my own, but that would be the problem. In the other it made me feel like more of an outcast. Not knowing where you fit in sucks.

Walking alone does get boring after a while.

Pondering Feelings of Self Esteem and Self Motivation

Pondering Feelings of Self Esteem and Self Motivation

Why not start my first post off with a bang? This morning I woke up and for the first hour and change I was high on life. It did not take long for that to turn itself on its head. When this happens everything becomes cumbersome, including myself. That does not stop me from wondering why though.

How does a mood change have so much power over everything? I feel that I should still be able to at least function with things I have to do.

For example, I am a writer. The thing is, I have been working on many projects for many years. I have a problem with focus and getting things finished. That in turns gets me depressed which makes me more disinclined to get anything done. Or I am already done and rather sleep all day or do something completely mindless.

What is the root of this evil? There are the usual reasons I could give, abused, abandoned, ridiculed, not accepted. Most of those have been resolved thankfully, and they mostly affected my self opinion. Does that also make me prone to vicious downward spirals that at one point drove people away from me?

Is the answer inside somewhere? If so, how do I find it? What questions can I ask to better know myself and fix myself?

I am hoping that this blog will help me as well as help others who have the same problem. I have so much to discover about myself and this so called dis-ease and I hope I will not be alone. It hurts to be sick, so let us get better.