Perfection and Compromise/Vicarious Daddy Syndrome

Perfection and Compromise/Vicarious Daddy Syndrome

Im an array of imperfections on display – Grimm from Darwins Waiting Room

There is not one human being that is perfect. That being said, we still try to touch the intangible. What is perfect anyway? No, really. What is it, I don’t have a clue. I am sure that I could ask one hundred people and get one hundred different answers, even if just slightly. So are we looking for our perfection, others perfection but by our definition, or do we not even know. Fuck, I know I am confused.

I personally rather pursue the best version of myself as opposed to perfection. I will never be another person’s definition of perfect even if I am perfect for them. Compromise seems to be a skill that we should innately have, but some folks have an unapologetic approach to life and I them well. Me? Imperfections I can deal with, assholism not so much.

Facebook is my personal devil. I keep a close eye on what is going in Florida with my daughter Gianna. Sometimes getting rewards of cool pictures, but sometimes getting vicarious daddy syndrome. I see enjoying her life with another man in the picture as a father figure and sometimes it hurts. I guess I really beat myself up a lot, probably more than people know. I feel out of touch with her at times and wish I could go pick her up and go somewhere. It may never be like that again, but a man can hope.


Not Afraid

Not Afraid

I am not afraid.

This is a picture of me when my wife and I stopped at south of the border on our way home from a Florida trip.

Any ignorant bastards think I am Gay?

I am not, and I am also not afraid to put this hat on and parade around. I have gay friends and I love them.

My question is besides sexual orientation, what makes them different from any other normal, a very relative term, person?

I guess I can’t understand the idea of passing judgement on somebody because they prefer to have a relationship with someone of the same sex. Who cares? That isn’t what makes the person who they are, that is just a part of who they are. Slander and violence should not become involved with something because you think it is wrong in some way.

We are human before we are anything.

That goes for race, religion, and anything else you could think of. I personally have my arms open for whoever needs them and shows me respect and honesty.

Equal opportunity hug giver.

On the other, but seemingly same side, of the coin I will not judge a whole group of people based on something one person did to me. I have been wronged by many different kinds of people, but I did not openly crucify that whole group. That is far beyond stupid.

I gently refuse to push people aside, I enjoy different. My life would be too boring if I had people around me that were exactly like me.

I embrace everybody until they screw me. My respect is there for people to lose. I feel like respect should be given and if it is shit on then goodbye.

We are all crying for wars all over the world to stop, yet we carry out personal wars. How can we expect change?

I promise to be the change I want to see. Thank you for the inspiration Ghandi.

There is a Reason

There is a Reason

I wanted to write a creative piece on here in the small hours that are now Monday morning. Shh, Jason…MONDAY!!!

Well I must have back spaced and erased about seven times. I asked myself what I might want to write about and came up with diddly dick. It was frustrating until I figured that maybe creating was not on the menu to begin with.

There is a reason for everything.

Jason, everything? Even the fuckeries that life can sometimes offer us?

Yes, those bastards too.

I tried to figure out what the reason was for my inability to create. The conclusion was that I was not writing what I should be. A lot of people know me as a writer and I always have something working. Most never see fruition, but I digress. At this point I am working on two major ideas. One is called The Nightmare Protection Agency which is many years old. The other is called 100 Shirts and that one is only two years old. The N.P.A is a genre bender, it has elements of everything in it and, surprisingly, it is not that convoluted. 100 Shirts is a drama and is closer to my heart. It is a story about a fictional trip across country that I wanted to be real. I will not give away much, but it will be funny, thought provoking, and a little sad.

The point is that I am trying to write something on here for people to read in the short term when I have other big projects that need my attention. So hence the barrier in creating something new.

Everything once given life needs to be nurtured and needs to have time spent with it. Just like anything else if it is not taken care of it will eventually die. In this respect it would either die in my mind as something I would like to do, or just disappear into the ether. I wish for neither of those obviously, I just wanted to share the realization.

The problem is, while there is always a reason, we may never know the reason. That is painful to deal with regardless of who you are, especially if you really want to know. My suggestion is to, first, try and figure out what the reason may be. If that does not work then try letting it go and tell yourself that even though it may be something negative that there is a positive reason for it.

Baby Love/Man Cooking

Baby Love/Man Cooking

Even though Sundays are the day before the dreaded Monday, Sundays are magical for me. It is a day full of joy with my beautiful wife and beautiful daughter. Those who know me know that I was not around so much when Gianna, my first daughter, was a little one. There is a good reason, but I will not make it an excuse. That being said, I never had the full experience until now.

I have never known such a peaceful love. It makes me sad that I missed out on the development of Gianna both physically and with her personality, but what is done is done and I can only hope to heal it in time.

This Sunday was not an exception but had an added bonus. Again, those who know me know that one of my passions is creating in the kitchen. I originally just wanted a piece of my mother-in-laws meatloaf which is divine. Inspiration hit. First I heated up two nice slabs of the loaf, then I slammed mashed potatoes on the loaf then heated it some more. I then added a secret sauce and topped it with a mild white cheddar. Both the wife and I were blown away. Menu item!

So not only was I surrounded by two beautiful ladies all day, I also created something that has amazing potential to be a menu item.

Love and passion always make for a good recipe no matter if in you are in a real kitchen or a metaphorical life kitchen. Be present to enjoy it and enjoy every moving moment of it.

Pondering Feelings of Self Esteem and Self Motivation

Pondering Feelings of Self Esteem and Self Motivation

Why not start my first post off with a bang? This morning I woke up and for the first hour and change I was high on life. It did not take long for that to turn itself on its head. When this happens everything becomes cumbersome, including myself. That does not stop me from wondering why though.

How does a mood change have so much power over everything? I feel that I should still be able to at least function with things I have to do.

For example, I am a writer. The thing is, I have been working on many projects for many years. I have a problem with focus and getting things finished. That in turns gets me depressed which makes me more disinclined to get anything done. Or I am already done and rather sleep all day or do something completely mindless.

What is the root of this evil? There are the usual reasons I could give, abused, abandoned, ridiculed, not accepted. Most of those have been resolved thankfully, and they mostly affected my self opinion. Does that also make me prone to vicious downward spirals that at one point drove people away from me?

Is the answer inside somewhere? If so, how do I find it? What questions can I ask to better know myself and fix myself?

I am hoping that this blog will help me as well as help others who have the same problem. I have so much to discover about myself and this so called dis-ease and I hope I will not be alone. It hurts to be sick, so let us get better.